Here we sit...

You ever have?

2008-08-17T08:46:00.002-04:00

Do you ever have one of those shits where you just poop it out, and it's like one solid large chunk, and it hurts like hell when it is coming down the pipe? And the best part of those, is that they're so dry, you could (I say could, but I don't do this myself), stand up, pull up your drawers, and not even wipe one little bit, and still not get the itchy butt through the rest of the day. You all know what I'm talking about over here. No doubt about it. If you don't, well, you haven't really lived yet is my opinion. The best thing about those turds, is that, they don't stink either. They just come shooting out, and they're done. It's awesome. One of the best poops that you can take. You use less resources as well. Less water. Less paper. And things like that. I love it.

That's all I have for right now though.

This could be...

2008-06-28T12:21:00.001-04:00

This might just be the best website ever created on God's green Earth.

Smelly Poop

Please, enjoy the poop-rificness of this place.

I have this friend...

2008-05-04T07:15:00.002-04:00

I have this friend. I won't name him, as I've named friends of mine in other blogs, and in other postings, and that only got me into trouble with said friends. It's a sad story I know, but it happens.

Anyway, I have this friend. I talk to him on the phone on a fairly regular basis. Inevitably during our conversations, he'll stop whatever it is he's saying, and go silent for a few seconds. The next words out of his mouth are then, "Hold on. Someone wants to talk to you..." And then, he'll place the mouthpiece of whatever phone he's currently using near his anal opening, and rip a loud and boisterous fart into the phone. Me being a man, it never fails to make me laugh.

This got me thinking though. After he does that, he has to keep using the phone, both with me, and later after we stop talking. How long does the fart particles hang out on the mouthpiece of the phone? How long does the smell stick around and make the gag reflex come into effect when you're speaking to someone else. He being in customer service, this has got to be problem. Ah, well, probably isn't for him, but I would think that there is a possibility that at some point in time, you could make yourself gag, and you COULD make yourself vomit into your phone, at which point in time, you should probably just get rid of that particular phone no doubt.

These are the things I think of when I speak to my friends. It's hard being 30 something, and acting just like we were 12. I take that back, it's not hard, it's kind of fun.

Have you ever???

2007-12-07T20:18:00.000-05:00

Have you ever been "Uncle Frank'd?"

Now, some of you might not be too familiar with this term, the "Uncle Frank" term that I tossed out there, but I am thinking that most of you guys, and some of you girls out there, are going to know what I'm talking about. Uncle Frank is just a generic name all for a certain type of man, or maybe woman, that sometimes resides in a public restroom with you. Let me explain.

Guys, you know after you've had that second cup of coffee in the morning, or in my case, that second Diet Pepsi (so good in the morning, I don't know why anyone would even think about drinking that evil substance named coffee, but I digress about that for now, that rant goes on another blog) and things are starting to "boil" or make wave motions down below in the gullet? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. That feeling where one minute you're fine, and the next, you're making a dash to the bathroom to, shall we say, release the hounds? Well, whilst you're in there, doing your business in the stall, someone inevitably comes in to use the urinal, or possibly the second stall if one exists at your workplace.

As you're sitting there relieving yourself of last night's burritos due to your caffeine laxative, this guy comes in, makes a loud grunting noise, unzips his drawers, and starts taking a loud piss into the urinal or second stall. This is not the bad part. The bad part is that the grunting continues, until the point where he rips off an enormous fart as he's pissing. Of course, whilst he's pissing, and trying to fart at the same time, this causes piss to spray around the urinal, on the urinal, on the floor underneath the urinal, all the while the fart noises are ricocheting off of the walls of the bathroom. You guys know how it is. Bathrooms are full of tile, and "neutral" space whereas sound will move around there for quite some time. It's bad enough you almost shit your pants making your dash for the throne, but now, someone has to come in, and totally disregard your own private time, and start ripping farts and spraying piss all over the place.

That's being "Uncle Frank'd". I hope that this was an educational experience. I know what it was for me.

Old urinals...

2007-12-04T15:38:00.000-05:00

Today while I was walking around Christiansted St. Croix, I took a tour with the wife of an old Dutch fort that is at the entrance to the harbor. Basically, they put this thing here mostly to defend from pirates and privateers and to keep the local slaves in order. As a matter of fact, once when the British threatened the fort, they just up and surrendered, and decided, "Hey, no need to kill is here, we're all good." OK, maybe the conversation went somewhat different, but you get what I mean.

While touring said fort, we found the latrines. Yes, this is good stuff. The only part left of the latrines is an old urinal they had in a corner somewhere, and it was blocked up, so I couldn't see if it still worked. Damn it all. And I came all this way, and was prohibited from pissing down an old urinal in an old fort. Well, you can't win them all. The urinal itself looks sort of like a "modern" urinal, in that it has a sort of catch basin, and a hole for your fluids to drain down in. Damn clever Dutchmen and all. Although, I'm sure that this is and or was, standard normal operating procedure for places such as this back in the 1700's. Now, one wonders, did they have urinal mints?

Water closet...

2007-12-03T14:40:00.000-05:00

Being on vacation here recently, I have noticed that in my hotel room (OK, I actually noticed it the first time that I walked in the room and all), there resides a water closet. Meaning, a little cavern with the toilet tucked back in there all by itself. The best part is of course that there is a telephone in there as well, and should the phone ring whilst I'm dropping the kids off at the pool, then I can answer whomever might be the unlucky caller. Being on vacation though, there aren't many people calling. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't let a lack of a phone in my bathroom at home get in the way of me answering it whilst I'm doing the task at hand, because, you know, like just about everyone else in the world, we have a cordless phone at home, and hence, I can just bring it in there with me, and subject whomever it is on the other end to splashing and butt noises. I mean, how much funnier could that really be? Not much. Anyway, see above picture of my hotel's water closet (yeah, we roll like that).

A funny story to share. I have this friend, who shall remain nameless at this point in time. Bear in mind, this guy is 36 years old, married, and has a young impressionable child in the home with him. When I do speak with him on the phone, inevitably, what will happen is that he'll feel a movement coming on down towards the buttockal region. He'll stop whatever it is he's saying, and then state nonchalantly, "Hey, someone wants to say something to you." which is followed by him lowering the phone down to his anus region, and then farting loudly into the mouthpiece so that I'm sure to hear it. The thing that bothers me the most about this little "trick" is this; how does that mouthpiece smell after he's done this little move? I'm sure that if the old saying stands true, you know, the one about being able to tolerate your own farts, then he'll probably be OK, but then again, he could probably give new and bolstered meaning to the term "shitbreath". Which makes me think of another saying, you know, the one about, "With friends like these...".

Yeah, these are the people in my life, I can't help but enjoy their company of course, because let's face it, potty humor makes every man in the world laugh.

Couldn't resist...

2007-11-18T23:05:00.000-05:00

Since it is that time of the year when the Christmas movies are going to be played endlessly, here is a clip from Christmas Vacation that ties in nicely with this blog, and it's whole premise of being:

I know...

2007-11-18T22:51:00.000-05:00

I know, that you know, that I know, that guys love to sit in the bathroom, and do their business. I mean, for us, next to the couch (for some of us), it is the best damn place in the entire house. You have your privacy. You're allowed to make funny butt noises that are normally frowned upon in polite company. And best of all, you can drop the old load. I have to say, I'm pretty proud of my pooping abilities, and I even surprise myself sometimes at the amount of turd I can happen to squeeze out of my bottom, but let me assure you, all poops feel good. It is sweet relief. Why am I writing about this? Hell, I don't know, mostly because it sounds sort of funny to me, not to mention, it is around 11 in the evening on a Sunday, and well, I don't have anything else to do right now. I suppose I could go to sleep, or maybe go roll some logs, but instead, I'm writing this. And I don't have any funny pictures to post up here. Damn, I need to visit more bathrooms and get some more pictures for this blog, I have been seriously lacking in my efforts. Sure I had a few mundane postings a short while ago, but there needs to be more. I'll start scouring the outhouses, port-o-johns, and public bathrooms that I come across, but there old graffiti just isn't there like it used to be. Maybe people are becoming more respectful? Nah, I just think less people know how to write maybe?

What I do know though, is that pooping is a good time, for all. How can anyone deny that? If you don't like to have a good poop once in awhile (and come on ladies, you know you like doing it too), what kind of life do you actually lead?

OK, enough with the poop talk, it might be time to head off to bed.

Jesus?

2007-06-24T20:48:00.000-04:00

I guess that there are times when people are needing some inspiration from a greater God and or some other deity and all. I'm not sure why they're looking for this though in the bathroom. Another message scribbled on a stall wall I present to you here.

I suppose living in the South, I'm not that surprised that I found this in a bathroom stall, it being the buckle of the Bible belt and all. And having seen this in a hospital, it's even less surprising, but not your normal bathroom message methinks. The main question remains; do you guys need Jesus? I guess that there are plenty of people around the USA that do think and believe that they need Jesus. This is just me judging by the number of Christians that are running around the country these days, and what I'm surrounded by on a daily basis at work (almost everyone I work with has a Bible on their desk).

Sometimes...

2007-06-17T17:17:00.000-04:00

Sometimes you're sitting in the can, and you don't have anything else to do. You're sitting there, waiting to break one off, and get the duty done, but it just won't flow so what do you do?

Apparently from this drawing I found, you're not supposed to spank it while sitting in a stall somewhere in a public bathroom. Lest we forget the lessons learned from George Michael and his escapades in public bathrooms, maybe this is some good advice. You know what I mean?

This of course does not prevent a friend of mine from spanking it in a public bathroom just about any chance that he gets. OK, maybe not every chance that he gets, but he claims to have spanked it in every bathroom at every place he's ever worked. Now that's some sort of record right there. His normal MO is to roll into work, day one, take a morning sabbatical, and take care of business while sitting in the stall (and if you haven't figured it out yet, we're not talking about the normal business one does in bathrooms). Yeah, I have a stellar bunch of friends. Reprehensible in many different ways, but nice in others. No really, they actually are good people.

Been a long time...

2007-06-15T19:41:00.000-04:00

So it's been quite some time since I have posted anything on here, but here we go. Might as well start again, actually, I finally found some good stuff that I liked when I was making with the poo in local eateries, hospitals, and other places around where I live and all. Check this one out:

At least with this one, you can say whoever wrote it in black marker scribble in the men's room at a local pizza place I took it at, he (or possibly she) was being honest with themselves, and with others who might be perusing the men's bathroom looking for a "good time". Honestly, does anyone ever call those girls' numbers that are posted in there. If so, I want to hear about it, and if you actually found a good time by calling said number. I doubt it, but then again, stranger things in life have happened. More pictures to come later.

From the outside world...

2006-08-20T19:26:00.000-04:00

Alright, another sign from another workplace that at this point in time shall remain nameless. It appears, and from what I hear from this outside contributor, that in this workplace, some people have a hard time, umm, understanding what to do with used toilet paper. In other words, they take their soiled paper, and toss it into the garbage receptacles, and then wait for the cleaning crew to come in and take it away. As if cleaning a public bathroom in a place of employment isn't bad enough, you have some assholes tossing their poopy TP into a bin for you to take away. Yeah, right. If that were me, I'd go dump that shit (literally) out on someone's desk if I knew who did that in the crapper. Amazing. It is simply amazing what people do. You'd think that they'd be able to get it into the bowl at least, and flush it to kingdom come and back again. What are you going to do though? What are you going to do? I think that sometimes people need to get smacked upside the head for things like this. Corporal punishment could go a long way sometimes methinks. Although, not likely to happen of course, but if you knew you could get smacked upside the head for doing something like this, it might make you think twice. Then again, someone who does something like this wouldn't think twice anyway. Ah well, sometimes the world is a wonderful and weird place indeed.

As an aside, I'm hoping to get more good pictures in the near future. I have to start looking more, and yes indeed, I have been slack in my bathroom meanderings these days. This will change shortly, and we'll really get this site cracking.

From work...

2006-07-27T20:53:00.000-04:00

OK, I admit it. This is not some random scribbling on a wall in a bathroom somewhere. This comes from the stalls in the main bathrooms at the place of employment, and somedays when I'm sitting there reflecting on life, and taking my morning and or afternoon sabbatical (sometimes both in the same day of course) I look up, and see this sign in front of me. Now, the paper towels part of things, I can understand this. People might just throw some paper towels in there and hit the handle and let 'er rip, but gloves and rags? I got the story about this from people that have worked there longer than me. It appears that in the past, some folks had this bad habit of taking off their work gloves, and or their work rags, and dropping them into the can, and flushing them away into oblivion, which they flushed fine, but what these folks didn't know was that downstream in the sewer main, the pipes got clogged. When the pipes got clogged, the mains backed up, and when the mains backed up, the town of Timberlake had to do a little excavation to clear out the clog. Which cost the old company, plenty of dollars in the end, because what did they find in the sewer main that did the clogging? Rags and gloves, from the assembly facility. Ah, good times right there, very good times. This makes me wonder; what kind of asshole would place pairs of gloves, and or many rags into the toilets, and flush them away? I mean, you're intelligence level has to be about ground level for you to do something like this. And to even think that as grown adults, you need to have a sign in your workplace bathroom telling you NOT to flush these things is truly amazing to me really. Truly, and utterly amazing. When you spend as much time in bathrooms as I do, you have plenty of time to ponder such amazing things that can happen within said bathrooms.

Brilliance....

2006-07-23T17:28:00.000-04:00

It is a Sunday afternoon, the Tour de France is over and done with, and now, I have nothing better to do but to head off to the convenience store on a semi sunny Sunday afternoon with a hangover. Yes, a hangover. Too many beers last night made me feel, well, not so good honestly. Ah well, I guess that is the price that I pay for a couple of days of no hangovers during my brother's wedding last weekend. Of course, since I'm at the most gross convenience store you could possibly imagine in Durham, I had a sudden "wave" come over the gut, which means, jump into the bathroom for a little sabbatical I like to call it, where I come in contact with the above scrawling on the stall wall.

Honestly, since I was caught unawares going into this bathroom, the scribbling on the wall says it all. I don't have anything better to read, so here I am sitting here reading Mr. Vandal's writings on the bathroom stall wall in Durham, NC. Now, I've been in a lot of bathrooms in my life, and lots of porta-johns as well, but not once in those many times did I ever write anything in said bathrooms or porta-johns, or wherever I might happen to go and do my business. What makes someone want to write something so random on a bathroom wall? Where do these folks come up with pens and or markers to do this? Are they going into the can prepared to do battle with words and writing instruments? I'd have to say also, in the many bathrooms that I've been in, and seen, I've yet to see anyone writing anything on the walls. When does this happen? My hat goes off to these folks though, mostly because hey, they give me some form of entertainment when I don't have any. Like most men, I like to head off to the bathroom to do my business with a magazine or a book under the arm so that I have something to look at while I'm doing the work. Somedays, like in this case, I'm caught without good reading material, so I have many fine writings and scrawls to keep me company. I figured that this might be a good one to lead off with, it pretty much says everything for all bathroom graffiti artists out there. Keep writing things on walls, and I'll post them here.

A new start...

2006-07-17T16:17:00.000-04:00

As I was peeing in a bathroom in the RDU international airport today, I noticed a piece of bathroom graffiti on the toilet paper dispenser in the handicapped stall (the urinals were all taken, so no lectures about being pee shy or anything like that). I read it, found it interesting that this piece of graffiti was scribbled onto a toilet paper dispenser, and as I was driving home decided that I would make my own space out here on the internet to post pictures of bathroom graffiti (the good, the bad, and yes, the ugly) that I happen to run into that I find interesting. Who knows? There could be a huge number of posts, there might not be any. I will have a cohort on this blog, my fiance in crime will be contributing pictures and her take on them as well (we need the graffiti from the women's bathrooms across the world as well, not just the guys). Hey, maybe you'll find this stuff funny, and possibly it might spur some discussion about issues that we do find on the walls of the bathrooms we visit, let's just start posting some pictures, and we'll see where it heads from there. OK? OK indeed.