Have you ever???

Have you ever been "Uncle Frank'd?" 

Now, some of you might not be too familiar with this term, the "Uncle Frank" term that I tossed out there, but I am thinking that most of you guys, and some of you girls out there, are going to know what I'm talking about. Uncle Frank is just a generic name all for a certain type of man, or maybe woman, that sometimes resides in a public restroom with you. Let me explain.

Guys, you know after you've had that second cup of coffee in the morning, or in my case, that second Diet Pepsi (so good in the morning, I don't know why anyone would even think about drinking that evil substance named coffee, but I digress about that for now, that rant goes on another blog) and things are starting to "boil" or make wave motions down below in the gullet? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. That feeling where one minute you're fine, and the next, you're making a dash to the bathroom to, shall we say, release the hounds? Well, whilst you're in there, doing your business in the stall, someone inevitably comes in to use the urinal, or possibly the second stall if one exists at your workplace.

As you're sitting there relieving yourself of last night's burritos due to your caffeine laxative, this guy comes in, makes a loud grunting noise, unzips his drawers, and starts taking a loud piss into the urinal or second stall. This is not the bad part. The bad part is that the grunting continues, until the point where he rips off an enormous fart as he's pissing. Of course, whilst he's pissing, and trying to fart at the same time, this causes piss to spray around the urinal, on the urinal, on the floor underneath the urinal, all the while the fart noises are ricocheting off of the walls of the bathroom. You guys know how it is. Bathrooms are full of tile, and "neutral" space whereas sound will move around there for quite some time. It's bad enough you almost shit your pants making your dash for the throne, but now, someone has to come in, and totally disregard your own private time, and start ripping farts and spraying piss all over the place. 

That's being "Uncle Frank'd". I hope that this was an educational experience. I know what it was for me.

Old urinals...

Today while I was walking around Christiansted St. Croix, I took a tour with the wife of an old Dutch fort that is at the entrance to the harbor. Basically, they put this thing here mostly to defend from pirates and privateers and to keep the local slaves in order. As a matter of fact, once when the British threatened the fort, they just up and surrendered, and decided, "Hey, no need to kill is here, we're all good." OK, maybe the conversation went somewhat different, but you get what I mean.

While touring said fort, we found the latrines. Yes, this is good stuff. The only part left of the latrines is an old urinal they had in a corner somewhere, and it was blocked up, so I couldn't see if it still worked. Damn it all. And I came all this way, and was prohibited from pissing down an old urinal in an old fort. Well, you can't win them all. The urinal itself looks sort of like a "modern" urinal, in that it has a sort of catch basin, and a hole for your fluids to drain down in. Damn clever Dutchmen and all. Although, I'm sure that this is and or was, standard normal operating procedure for places such as this back in the 1700's. Now, one wonders, did they have urinal mints?

Water closet...

Being on vacation here recently, I have noticed that in my hotel room (OK, I actually noticed it the first time that I walked in the room and all), there resides a water closet. Meaning, a little cavern with the toilet tucked back in there all by itself. The best part is of course that there is a telephone in there as well, and should the phone ring whilst I'm dropping the kids off at the pool, then I can answer whomever might be the unlucky caller. Being on vacation though, there aren't many people calling. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't let a lack of a phone in my bathroom at home get in the way of me answering it whilst I'm doing the task at hand, because, you know, like just about everyone else in the world, we have a cordless phone at home, and hence, I can just bring it in there with me, and subject whomever it is on the other end to splashing and butt noises. I mean, how much funnier could that really be? Not much. Anyway, see above picture of my hotel's water closet (yeah, we roll like that).

A funny story to share. I have this friend, who shall remain nameless at this point in time. Bear in mind, this guy is 36 years old, married, and has a young impressionable child in the home with him. When I do speak with him on the phone, inevitably, what will happen is that he'll feel a movement coming on down towards the buttockal region. He'll stop whatever it is he's saying, and then state nonchalantly, "Hey, someone wants to say something to you." which is followed by him lowering the phone down to his anus region, and then farting loudly into the mouthpiece so that I'm sure to hear it. The thing that bothers me the most about this little "trick" is this; how does that mouthpiece smell after he's done this little move? I'm sure that if the old saying stands true, you know, the one about being able to tolerate your own farts, then he'll probably be OK, but then again, he could probably give new and bolstered meaning to the term "shitbreath". Which makes me think of another saying, you know, the one about, "With friends like these...".

Yeah, these are the people in my life, I can't help but enjoy their company of course, because let's face it, potty humor makes every man in the world laugh.