You ever have?

Do you ever have one of those shits where you just poop it out, and it's like one solid large chunk, and it hurts like hell when it is coming down the pipe? And the best part of those, is that they're so dry, you could (I say could, but I don't do this myself), stand up, pull up your drawers, and not even wipe one little bit, and still not get the itchy butt through the rest of the day. You all know what I'm talking about over here. No doubt about it. If you don't, well, you haven't really lived yet is my opinion. The best thing about those turds, is that, they don't stink either. They just come shooting out, and they're done. It's awesome. One of the best poops that you can take. You use less resources as well. Less water. Less paper. And things like that. I love it.

That's all I have for right now though.

This could be...

This might just be the best website ever created on God's green Earth.

Smelly Poop

Please, enjoy the poop-rificness of this place.

I have this friend...

I have this friend. I won't name him, as I've named friends of mine in other blogs, and in other postings, and that only got me into trouble with said friends. It's a sad story I know, but it happens.

Anyway, I have this friend. I talk to him on the phone on a fairly regular basis. Inevitably during our conversations, he'll stop whatever it is he's saying, and go silent for a few seconds. The next words out of his mouth are then, "Hold on. Someone wants to talk to you..." And then, he'll place the mouthpiece of whatever phone he's currently using near his anal opening, and rip a loud and boisterous fart into the phone. Me being a man, it never fails to make me laugh.

This got me thinking though. After he does that, he has to keep using the phone, both with me, and later after we stop talking. How long does the fart particles hang out on the mouthpiece of the phone? How long does the smell stick around and make the gag reflex come into effect when you're speaking to someone else. He being in customer service, this has got to be problem. Ah, well, probably isn't for him, but I would think that there is a possibility that at some point in time, you could make yourself gag, and you COULD make yourself vomit into your phone, at which point in time, you should probably just get rid of that particular phone no doubt.

These are the things I think of when I speak to my friends. It's hard being 30 something, and acting just like we were 12. I take that back, it's not hard, it's kind of fun.

Have you ever???

Have you ever been "Uncle Frank'd?" 

Now, some of you might not be too familiar with this term, the "Uncle Frank" term that I tossed out there, but I am thinking that most of you guys, and some of you girls out there, are going to know what I'm talking about. Uncle Frank is just a generic name all for a certain type of man, or maybe woman, that sometimes resides in a public restroom with you. Let me explain.

Guys, you know after you've had that second cup of coffee in the morning, or in my case, that second Diet Pepsi (so good in the morning, I don't know why anyone would even think about drinking that evil substance named coffee, but I digress about that for now, that rant goes on another blog) and things are starting to "boil" or make wave motions down below in the gullet? Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. That feeling where one minute you're fine, and the next, you're making a dash to the bathroom to, shall we say, release the hounds? Well, whilst you're in there, doing your business in the stall, someone inevitably comes in to use the urinal, or possibly the second stall if one exists at your workplace.

As you're sitting there relieving yourself of last night's burritos due to your caffeine laxative, this guy comes in, makes a loud grunting noise, unzips his drawers, and starts taking a loud piss into the urinal or second stall. This is not the bad part. The bad part is that the grunting continues, until the point where he rips off an enormous fart as he's pissing. Of course, whilst he's pissing, and trying to fart at the same time, this causes piss to spray around the urinal, on the urinal, on the floor underneath the urinal, all the while the fart noises are ricocheting off of the walls of the bathroom. You guys know how it is. Bathrooms are full of tile, and "neutral" space whereas sound will move around there for quite some time. It's bad enough you almost shit your pants making your dash for the throne, but now, someone has to come in, and totally disregard your own private time, and start ripping farts and spraying piss all over the place. 

That's being "Uncle Frank'd". I hope that this was an educational experience. I know what it was for me.

Old urinals...

Today while I was walking around Christiansted St. Croix, I took a tour with the wife of an old Dutch fort that is at the entrance to the harbor. Basically, they put this thing here mostly to defend from pirates and privateers and to keep the local slaves in order. As a matter of fact, once when the British threatened the fort, they just up and surrendered, and decided, "Hey, no need to kill is here, we're all good." OK, maybe the conversation went somewhat different, but you get what I mean.

While touring said fort, we found the latrines. Yes, this is good stuff. The only part left of the latrines is an old urinal they had in a corner somewhere, and it was blocked up, so I couldn't see if it still worked. Damn it all. And I came all this way, and was prohibited from pissing down an old urinal in an old fort. Well, you can't win them all. The urinal itself looks sort of like a "modern" urinal, in that it has a sort of catch basin, and a hole for your fluids to drain down in. Damn clever Dutchmen and all. Although, I'm sure that this is and or was, standard normal operating procedure for places such as this back in the 1700's. Now, one wonders, did they have urinal mints?

Water closet...

Being on vacation here recently, I have noticed that in my hotel room (OK, I actually noticed it the first time that I walked in the room and all), there resides a water closet. Meaning, a little cavern with the toilet tucked back in there all by itself. The best part is of course that there is a telephone in there as well, and should the phone ring whilst I'm dropping the kids off at the pool, then I can answer whomever might be the unlucky caller. Being on vacation though, there aren't many people calling. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't let a lack of a phone in my bathroom at home get in the way of me answering it whilst I'm doing the task at hand, because, you know, like just about everyone else in the world, we have a cordless phone at home, and hence, I can just bring it in there with me, and subject whomever it is on the other end to splashing and butt noises. I mean, how much funnier could that really be? Not much. Anyway, see above picture of my hotel's water closet (yeah, we roll like that).

A funny story to share. I have this friend, who shall remain nameless at this point in time. Bear in mind, this guy is 36 years old, married, and has a young impressionable child in the home with him. When I do speak with him on the phone, inevitably, what will happen is that he'll feel a movement coming on down towards the buttockal region. He'll stop whatever it is he's saying, and then state nonchalantly, "Hey, someone wants to say something to you." which is followed by him lowering the phone down to his anus region, and then farting loudly into the mouthpiece so that I'm sure to hear it. The thing that bothers me the most about this little "trick" is this; how does that mouthpiece smell after he's done this little move? I'm sure that if the old saying stands true, you know, the one about being able to tolerate your own farts, then he'll probably be OK, but then again, he could probably give new and bolstered meaning to the term "shitbreath". Which makes me think of another saying, you know, the one about, "With friends like these...".

Yeah, these are the people in my life, I can't help but enjoy their company of course, because let's face it, potty humor makes every man in the world laugh.

Couldn't resist...

Since it is that time of the year when the Christmas movies are going to be played endlessly, here is a clip from Christmas Vacation that ties in nicely with this blog, and it's whole premise of being:

I know...

I know, that you know, that I know, that guys love to sit in the bathroom, and do their business. I mean, for us, next to the couch (for some of us), it is the best damn place in the entire house. You have your privacy. You're allowed to make funny butt noises that are normally frowned upon in polite company. And best of all, you can drop the old load. I have to say, I'm pretty proud of my pooping abilities, and I even surprise myself sometimes at the amount of turd I can happen to squeeze out of my bottom, but let me assure you, all poops feel good. It is sweet relief. Why am I writing about this? Hell, I don't know, mostly because it sounds sort of funny to me, not to mention, it is around 11 in the evening on a Sunday, and well, I don't have anything else to do right now. I suppose I could go to sleep, or maybe go roll some logs, but instead, I'm writing this. And I don't have any funny pictures to post up here. Damn, I need to visit more bathrooms and get some more pictures for this blog, I have been seriously lacking in my efforts. Sure I had a few mundane postings a short while ago, but there needs to be more. I'll start scouring the outhouses, port-o-johns, and public bathrooms that I come across, but there old graffiti just isn't there like it used to be. Maybe people are becoming more respectful? Nah, I just think less people know how to write maybe?

What I do know though, is that pooping is a good time, for all. How can anyone deny that? If you don't like to have a good poop once in awhile (and come on ladies, you know you like doing it too), what kind of life do you actually lead?

OK, enough with the poop talk, it might be time to head off to bed.